


Hindsight

by Ashe21



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Despair, Hurt, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-07 09:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16406240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashe21/pseuds/Ashe21
Summary: “..I’m sorry…” was the only thing that came out of his treacherous mouth.





	1. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  So I this is set a few years after 35XXV OBVIOUSLY. Uhm I think this could be a continuation of Secrets? Because it is in the same setting.. just a few years in the future.. But I decided to put it in a separate fic because it has a dark and very angst aura.  
> 

  
The rain was pouring down like millions of needles piercing onto anything it touched across the busy city. Street lamps were lit, sidewalks littered with people, their umbrellas up in the cold September air and cars going 10 miles per hour in traffic including Toru’s Honda Civic Sedan. 

He gently pulled to a stop as the traffic gets heavier. The air inside his car was cold but not nearly as cold as how he’s being treated by the man sitting at the passenger seat beside him. 

“How could you do it, Toru-san?” Taka said in almost a whisper, eyes staring off at a distant, not making an effort to look at the leader. 

“I can’t do this right now, Taka.” The guitarist replied, tightening his clutch on the steering wheel. 

“You at least owe me an explanation.” Taka stated monotonously. He was being uncharacteristically calm and distant for someone who’s drunk. 

“Please…” Toru pleaded as he tried to hold back the tears that were unusually trying to escape from the sockets of his bulging eyes. “Please.. We will talk about this when we’ve reached.” The guitarist didn’t know why he’s the one with teary eyes and why he’s quite _scared_ of Taka’s calm behavior. 

The vocalist didn’t say anything more. They were left with the sound of the incessant rain on the car roof and the low hum of the air conditioning as the leader drove them across the damp streets of LA.

*

*

By the time they arrived at their destination, the rain had already stopped. But the wind was still blowing, carrying the smell of the earth as it made the trees gently sway in unison. Weather man said there’s a big storm coming. But it didn’t stop Toru from fetching Taka from a small pub which was discreetly hidden in the vicinity of their studio home, just a few hours ago after he read Jamil’s LINE message. 

_Toru,_

_Taka’s getting his ass drunk right now._

_He says he doesn’t care if he lose his voice._

_We’re currently @ Reggae’s Pub. ___

_Help._

____

____

He was taken out of his reverie when he heard the vocalist slamming his car door shut. _Damn this little midget._ He momentarily thought as he watched Taka stomping towards him, his expensive Nike shoes getting dirty from the mushy, muddy earth. 

“Taka, I—” 

But before he could even continue what he was about to say, he felt the vocalist’s knuckles punching hard on his right cheek as his face was thrown sideways, making him spit a few saliva in the process. “Ow! Fuck!” He took a step back and touched his aching cheek.

“Why, Toru.” He heard the vocalist said in a low voice. His blonde locks _almost_ covering his almond shape eyes, but it did not cover the intense hurt, anger and the hint of confusion overflowing in his now teary eyed orbs. 

“Did I do something wrong to make you hate me this much?” Taka said as he slowly released his shaking fist that he used to punch the guitarist. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re already loving someone else?” 

.

.

.

…….

Toru couldn’t utter a word. He knows he deserves that punch. He just stared shock at the vocalist. His own eyes were wide open as tears flowed down his beaten cheek. He doesn’t know why he’s shock from hearing this when he already knows this himself. He watched as Taka’s eyes were now red as it overflowed with tears as well. It just flowed and flowed.. endlessly.. Taka was sobbing and gasping.. he was a mess.. but why can’t the guitarist take a few steps forward and hold him in a tight embrace? Why can’t he do it? 

_“Why didn’t you tell me you’re already loving someone else?”_

The vocalist’s words hung in the chilly midnight air. 

_Why, Toru?_ He asked himself. _”Why didn’t you tell Taka you were already getting involve with another… with a woman…”_

“I…T-this..hurts.. so much… Toru-san..” Taka was saying between gasps and sobs, lips quivering, as he leans his elbow on Toru-san’s Honda roof for support. All his calmness.. and poise dissipating.. revealing his true feelings..

Toru wanted to say that it also pains him (at a whole different level) to see _his_ vocalist crying in pain.. crying in pain for something he’s done. He was frozen on his spot, dumbly watching Taka as he openly displayed all his agony for all the trees and LA lights to see. 

Yes, they’re here in this place. This place where they once felt genuine bliss.. where they made love.. their rendezvous.. all their happy memories felt like it were floating away.. being replaced by this current event.. 

Toru didn’t know why he drove them here. He just wanted to escape.. He wanted somewhere he could be alone with Taka. 

And then what? 

What would he say? Or do? He couldn’t possibly do anything to ease the vocalist’s pain right now. 

“SAY SOMETHING YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!” 

He lamely jumped from his spot when Taka screamed at him, his voice sounded so hoarse and hurt.. overused. Birds flew out of the trees, startled by the sudden noise. 

“..I’m sorry…” was the only thing that came out of his treacherous mouth. 

He heard the vocalist breathe out a heavy sigh. It doesn’t sound relieved though. It’s like he breathed out all the hurt and burden and a few more screams that he’d been withholding. He looks stressed.. dark circles under his once shining almond orbs. He looks thinner than usual.. Is he not eating well these days..? And that’s when Toru remembered.. they haven’t seen each other for a few weeks now.. Not since Taka flew to Europe for a recording.. and Toru flew back in Japan for a vacation break to go home to his parents.. and that’s when… that’s when he met her. 

“I’m sorry too.. Toru-san..” He heard Taka softly said. “I’m sorry for not being enough.. “ 

Toru wanted to hug him tight in a warm embrace.. Toru wanted to bow to him.. or kneel and beg for the vocalist’s forgiveness.. he wanted so much to tell him that he made a mistake.. he was stupid for liking a woman while the vocalist was working hard for their dreams.. he was a fucking idiot for sleeping with another.. but even before he could start to explain or beg or do whatever it is that could salvage what is left of Taka’s feelings for him.. the vocalist was already walking away. 

And Toru didn’t know why he couldn’t move from his spot to go run and chase after the vocalist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  I think I needed to write this in order to forgive Toru-san from the bullshits he's done. (and by bullshit I mean having a girlfriend haha)  
> Anyway, please tell me what you think. BTW, don't know when i'll be able to update this, it could be tomorrow or never. HAHA kidding maybe after a few weeks? or when the urge to write hits me again. Sorry for being an annoying writer. haha but thanks if anybody reads this. XD


	2. Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _"So this is heartache.. all this pain in my chest, my regrets.. and things we never said.."_   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  More angst. haha. I hope something good happens in real life so I'll have the motivation to write something happy for this. haha  
>   
> 

  


Taka didn’t count how many bottles he downed a few hours ago, or how many times Jamil told him to stop. He didn’t know what time Toru-san got to that pub. He could barely remember how on earth he ended up in Toru-san’s Honda as the leader drove them to that place. That once _sacred place_.. now tainted and destroyed. 

All Taka could remember was the hard pouring rain, the murky skies, the smell of the damp earth and the heavy pang of pain in his chest. 

He’s currently sitting at some rock or boulder of some sort. He doesn’t know where he is right now. He didn’t know how far he have gotten to when he walked out from Toru-san but he’s currently at an unfamiliar place somewhere. He couldn’t see any road yet and he’s tired of walking so he decided to collapse on this dirty but quite comfortable boulder. 

Pathetic. _I’m pathetic._ he thought to himself. He’s drunk but _unfortunately_ he’s conscious enough to feel all the pain, pain in his throat, pain in his stomach.. pain in his chest. 

Unwanted flashbacks of when he first found out about Toru-san’s betrayal were mercilessly replaying in his head. He was in Europe during that time. He was innocently browsing through his Instagram when he saw the paparazzi picture. At first, he didn’t doubt him at all. He _believed_ that the leader would never betray him.. or hurt him in any way. He thought she was just his friend. Or his fling.. maybe a one night urge to feel a woman’s heat.. Just like how Asada Mai was to Taka himself. He understands that.. 

He remembered how Toru-san was so understanding with him as well during that Asada incident. And so, Taka shrugged the paparazzi picture off, he didn’t even mention it to Toru-san when they texted/chatted each other every night. 

And the guitarist also didn’t mention it. So maybe.. _she was just a friend after all?_ was Taka’s hopeful thoughts that time. 

But days go by and the vocalist immediately noticed the change in the leader’s behavior.. Suddenly he wasn’t texting sweetly.. it sounds cliché but he’s been saying that he’s been busy too.. And then… 

And then another picture was released, together with a not official interview with the paparazzi.. and Toru-san looked so.. happy.. _proud_.. even though he wasn’t answering majority of the questions that were thrown at him.. Taka knows the guitarist well enough to see if he’s faking something or not. 

And that smile on his handsome face immediately shattered the vocalist’s heart. 

Reading articles about it did not help at all. Pictures of them eating dinner at some restaurant with Toru-san looking at peace with a shy smile on his face. And oh, he dyed his hair dark. Maybe to impress the girl’s father? Taka didn’t know. Because the news said her father didn’t like tattooed _goon-like_ men and so maybe Toru-san thought that dying his hair darker would eliminate the _tough goony_ look. 

Taka couldn’t help but break down again when he thought of it all. It hurts so much. 

He should have seen it coming.. he should have known that his happiness would easily be taken away from him.. it was a quick 10 years of timeline with the guitarist.. with One Ok Rock.. so maybe now the universe is taking back every good thing that it lent to him.. 

Now he is left alone again.. he’s confused.. and _scared_.. and angry.. he’s a 30 year old man crying his lungs out here in the middle of nowhere.. all because his lover found happiness with somebody else. 

What will happen to him now? 

What about the band? Why does it feel like he doesn’t have the strength to sing anymore.. Why does it feel like he doesn’t care about anything anymore? 

Everything around him is crumbling.. falling apart.. darkness looming closer and closer.. eating him away.. 

He has been betrayed before but nothing compares to this. Because it’s.. it’s Toru-san. 

He might not actually make it out of this. It’s been so long since….. since he felt something like this. He barely even remember what it feels like to live without Toru-san by his side. Toru-san was his everything. This band is his everything. But without Toru-san… _Without him.. I…._

The rain started again but this time it’s just a soft drizzle. As if comforting Takahiro, sympathizing with his agony. 

He coughed and let out a sneeze before sniffing away the cold. He knows that staying out here in the rain would be dangerous to his health and voice. But he doesn’t have the strength to get up and run to the nearest shade.. and there is no nearest shade but a bunch of trees but it wouldn’t really provide that much shelter from the drizzling rain. So he really doesn’t have any choice.

From a far he could hear a car approaching. He hopes it’s not Toru-san because he really couldn’t face him right now. He couldn’t take any more pain.. But who else could it be? No one is sane enough to drive in the middle of the night in these woods. That’s why they picked this place as their rendezvous.. _Heh, what a bittersweet memory.._

Indeed, it was Toru’s Sedan that stopped just a few meters away from Taka’s comfortable boulder, and out came the guitarist, jogging towards Taka’s slumped, damped form. 

“Taka!” the leader called out to him as he jogged his way while holding out a black jacket. 

Taka wanted to get up and run away fast like his life depended on it, but he felt so weak and tired that he resigned to not moving from his spot. 

Toru draped the jacket around the vocalist’s shoulder as soon as he reached him. “Taka, please come with me inside the car, you’re freezing.” 

Taka didn’t say anything. But he allowed the leader to put an arm around him and guide him to his vehicle. 

*

As soon as Toru-san closed the car door they were left with tensed, overflowing silence. The soft drizzling of the rain was barely audible on the car roof. The engine was off so everything was still and quiet inside the car. They’re both in the back seat. 

“Taka, I’m sorry.” Toru-san was the first to speak after a few minutes. 

“You don’t need to apologize.” Was Taka’s cold reply. His eyes were red and glassy, his nose is puffy as he quietly sniffs. 

“I just felt.. “ The leader’s voice was his usual low tone but Taka could hear the slight quiver. “I just..” he paused, as if contemplating on whether to continue, and after a few seconds he spoke again. 

“For the first time in a while.. I felt… free..” 

….

Taka held back a choke. He felt like he’d been stabbed straight to the heart. “Free, huh..” he muttered under his breath. Well then, Toru-san finally stated the words that Taka is most afraid of. 

He knew that a day would come that Toru-san would get tired of keeping their secret. That he would be wanting to build a family, with a traditional wife and a child of his own. _He deserves it._ Taka bitterly thought to himself. _He deserves a decent life with a woman._

And so Taka mustered up all his remaining strength and gently stated “If that’s where you’re happy..”

….  
Taka swears he heard a soft gasp came out of the guitarist. 

But Toru-san didn’t say anything, his brunette hair was shielding his eyes from Taka’s view but after a moment, a _silent tear_ trickled down his beaten cheek.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  What will happen next would be decided depending on what'll happen in reality. Don't know how long I'll wait for real news though. I mean, how can we know if Toru-san is still with his gf now? Are they still together? (I hope not haha) When will they know if they already broke up? When will we know if they're still together? haha aaahhhh!! it's driving me crazy!!!  
> 


	3. Bittersweet Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  "It's so hard to forget.. you and all the regret.."  
>   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  I hope somebody understands this chapter because I don't think I wrote it nicely enough to let anyone understand what I'm picturing in my effin head haha. Anyway please enjoy.  
>   
> 

  
  
“I miss playing our old songs.” Toru stated, he was perched on the edge of the wide stage, cradling his precious acoustic guitar as he strummed a familiar melody with Taka seating comfortably beside him. 

“Sing this for me, Taka.” He asked, gachapin eyes sparkling in _love struck_ as he stared lovingly at his vocalist who lifted his yellow microphone to his mouth. 

“Kimi wa omou kimochi wa kagerou..” Taka sang, his voice echoing throughout the empty Saitama Arena. Black spiky hair shining under the dimmed stage lights. 

Toru could remain here forever, strumming his guitar for his vocalist.. hearing that soft _romantic_ voice singing those words to him.. for him.. overflowing with emotions.. 

“You wrote this song for me, right?” He blurted out of the blue right after they finished playing. A bright crimson blush fluttered across the vocalist’s face before he shielded his embarrassment with a chuckle. “You’re so full of yourself.” Taka teasingly said as he brushed through his short hair. 

The guitarist couldn’t help but smile at the other’s response. “Admit it, Taka.” He provoked as he pushed himself up to set his guitar back to its stand. 

“Never!” The vocalist playfully replied with a big prideful smile plastered on his beautiful face. 

“I’ll kiss you if you don’t admit it.” Toru said as he seated himself behind the vocalist and encased the little man in a tight hug. 

“Wha-!” Taka was caught off guard, madly blushing. He tried to pry away from the tight, possessive hug from behind. “Toru-san, I swear if somebody sees us, I’ll smack your head off!” he complained as tried but failed to squirm his way out of the warm, cozy embrace. But maybe he failed to get out because he really didn’t want to let go from the guitarist’s hug. 

“Psshh, nobody would see us, Taka, it’s everybody’s day off.” Toru said, his warm breath tickling the other’s ear. 

“And yet we’re here practicing on our own.” Taka replied as he halted his squirming and resistance to the hug and instead lean back and succumb to the guitarist’s cuddle. 

“And whose fault is that?” The leader asked, resting his chin on Taka’s clothed shoulder. 

He felt the vocalist sigh. “Me.” Taka admitted defeatedly, eyes wandering off to the empty stands and chairs of the huge arena in front of them. 

Toru-san leaned in and stole a quick kiss on the vocalist’s cheek. “You’re the reason we’ve made it this far. You drove us to this point. Without you, we would have never reached any of our dreams.” He softly whispered in the other’s ear. His gaze trailed down to the vocalist’s exposed neck. _How tempting.._

Taka slowly adjusted himself to face the leader, almond shaped eyes now shimmering in gratitude as if he won the biggest prize in the world, he gently caressed the other’s manly face before leaning in for a soft, dewy kiss, with Toru-san meeting him halfway.

Hearts thumping in their chests, mouths dancing in the same rhythm, hands travelling in each other’s hair and clothed bodies.. in that moment Toru-san felt so alive.. he felt so _free.._ This is everything he ever dreamed of.. He has everything he ever wanted.. 

_I wouldn’t give this up for anything._ His own voice echoed in his mind. 

I wouldn’t. 

*

*

KKKRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

...

....

Toru-san’s eyes shot wide open at the shrilling sound of his phone ringing. He sat straight up but immediately clutched his head as it massively aches from his sudden movement.. or maybe because he has a hangover or something. 

He dumbly stared at his phone for a second, which was still ringing as it noisily vibrates on his night stand, before lazily picking it up and turning off the alarm. 

His head hurt like hell. 

He tossed his phone somewhere beside him on his bed as he lay down again. He could still remember his dream.. That dream actually happened almost over a year ago, while they were rehearsing for Ambitions Tour.. He buried his face on his pillow as he felt the tears coming again. 

_Fuck. What have I done?_

*

*

*

Sunlight seeps through the glass windows of the cozy apartment somewhere in Tokyo. Taka was sitting comfortably on the living room floor, sheets of notes, music and scratch papers scattered around him, his acoustic guitar perched on his lap, gently strumming as he hums a sad melody. 

Jamil walked in, carrying a tray with a hot mug of tea, a plate of sashimi and some bottle of pills. He set it down the coffee table and seated himself on the comfortable couch. “Glad to see you up and writing again.” 

Taka wrote down a few lyrics on one of the papers before laying his guitar down on the floor. “You don’t need to babysit me, Jamil. I’m fine.” 

“Just making sure.” Jamil replied, “The last time I saw you, you were getting your ass drunk at our frequent pub in LA.” 

Taka padded to the couch and sat beside Jamil, he took a sip of the tea, ignoring his friend’s stare. 

“It was reckless, Taka.” Jamil reprimanded. “And out of character. You have never done something like this before. You’re the most disciplined person I know.” 

Taka couldn’t help but let out a cold chuckle. “You didn’t know me when I was younger. I was a wreck.” 

“Yeah, but not now. Not when you’re finally achieving all your dreams.” Jamil stated. He reached for the bottle of pills on the tray and handed it to the vocalist beside him. 

“You’re number one for a reason.” Jamil said, waiting for Taka to accept the bottle. 

“I’m not number one.” The vocalist replied before begrudgingly accepting the bottle and shaking out one pill. He hated drinking these _medicines,_ he’d rather drink herbs and organic stuff to heal him, but he was immature for drinking too much as he irresponsibly shoved all kinds of alcoholic drinks down his throat a week ago--that he needs these medicines for faster healing. 

Jamil watched him intently. Like a dutiful sympathizing friend. 

“Rehearsals for the Dome tour will start tomorrow. You need to make sure you’re in the best condition. You were so pumped about this just a few weeks ago.” Jamil sounded concerned. 

“I still am.” Taka _tiredly_ replied before sipping his tea again. His head was starting to ache. 

The American man stared at the vocalist, not convinced of his reply. “I saw the news, Taka. I understand why you’re like this right now.. I’m—” 

But he wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Taka cut him off. “Please don’t tell anyone.” He put down his empty mug on the coffee table and faced his American friend as he repeated his words. 

“Please don’t tell anyone.. the staffs.. the other members.. about what happened to me.. about what…” he paused as he looks down his bare feet, with pain and regret audible in his voice he continued, “..about what I’ve done.. my voice’ condition..” He felt like a high school kid pleading his brother not to tell their father the rebellious things that he’s done. 

“They don't need to be stressed and affected my mistakes.” He reached for a sashimi from the plate and put it in his mouth. “Thanks for this, Jamil. I promise I’ll be ready for rehearsals tomorrow. So don’t worry.” He stated, words getting muffled from chewing. He tried to give Jamil a quick smile. 

The blonde man doesn’t look convinced, but he sighed in defeat as he stood up from his comfy seat. “I’m glad to hear that.” He said but he wasn’t happy. He looked Taka in concern but the vocalist just stared back at him with an exhausted smile on his _youthful but tired_ looking face. 

“Well then, I guess I’ll get going.” He picked up his cap and head for the door with Taka trailing behind him. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsal.” Jamil said before stepping out of the unit. He watched as Taka weakly nodded with a smile on his lips but pain and exhaustion overflowing in his almond shaped eyes before closing the door. 

*

Taka slowly padded back to his living room and collapsed on his couch. He’ll be seeing Toru-san again tomorrow after a week.. He’s scared of what might happen.. He’s not sure if he can handle seeing him again so soon.. and working with him.. well.. he is a professional musician and all but he’s still human. He has feelings and this pain.. this immense pain and exhaustion that’s overflowing inside of him is so heavy that he’s not sure of what might happen when it explodes.. 

But he has to pull himself together because nobody else will. Toru-san will never be the one to save him again.. Tomoya and Ryota already have their own families as their priority.. so here he is, left alone again.. 

He’s back to where it all started.. back when he was all alone.. 

He buried his face in the sofa as tears started to spill from his eyes once again. He didn’t expect the tears to start again, he thought and felt like he ran out of liquid already from crying the whole week. 

Taka shut his eyes tightly, hoping that the tears would stop but it continued like waterfalls, damping his sofa. He misses Toru-san so much but there’s nothing he can do. Toru-san chose somebody else. He is _with_ somebody else now. 

Taka tried his best to get some sleep, even though it’s in the middle of the day, because he really didn’t want to think anymore. He wanted to shut down his mind, he’s so tired from it all. 

But unfortunately, when he finally drifted off to slumber, his mind betrayed him by replaying bittersweet memories of the two of them from a year ago, back when they were rehearsing alone in the empty Saitama Super Arena for their Ambitions Tour. 

_It was a bittersweet nightmare._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Well, as you may probably see, I'm obsessed with angst. haha.. sorrry.. I'll write happy stuffs when something good happens in real life.. haha anyway.. please anybody tell me what you think!!!! Thank you~!  
> 


End file.
